That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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