I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
