whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
