He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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