I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
