I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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