just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
