i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Couch. On fire.
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