he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
