You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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