dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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