You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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