Apparently you make a good broom.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
