if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you didnt know i had herpes?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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