are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
