I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
