Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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