Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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