My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
