I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize