Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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