hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
how does that bad decision feel?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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