Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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