i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize