remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
