my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
