Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
