i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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