the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
