Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
