we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
