I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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