All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
