I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
