Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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