I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
