She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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