Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
