I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
