you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i black out too much to be "responsible"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
