I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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