Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
