He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
