I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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