So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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