wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
