he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
