The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
