mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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