Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
