The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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