well I can't set my house on fire every night
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
