Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
