My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
