i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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