I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
