Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
