and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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