Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
