Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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