if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
